April is Ruthless

30 Apr

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

Winter kept us warm, covering

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

A little life with dried tubers.

April

I have never found T.S. Eliot’s words to be this true as I have in 2013.  “Why is April so cruel?”, I would think. The weather starts getting warmer, the flowers blossom and coats are no longer necessary in the majority of the Mid-Atlantic states. I believed that Eliot had really never seen the potential in April.

Well this April, I discovered why. In the fourth month of this year, I had my heart broken, and then hastily and arbitrarily pasted back together. My career changed (and not necessarily to my benefit). My canine nephew,Bosco, decided to hate me and never share a bed with me again. I basically turned my back on who I am by somehow avoiding reading, working out and eating healthily. Instead, I opted to eat Pop Secret Homestyle popcorn or barbecue flavored kettle chips while gulping down half a bottle of red wine.

Due to ridiculous and uncontrollable circumstances, this month I have obtained the least amount of sleep ever. When I did obtain sleep, it was terrible in quality. Not to mention, I discovered that I have a totally unlikeable personality. Four jobs in three years, and I felt that everyone hated me at every single one of them. Six months at my current job, and I see the same pattern again. Snide remarks. Whispering behind me. Hidden notes/emails. Is this adulthood?  Moreover, my heartbreak was caused by the discovery that my beau’s friends and family seem to dislike me, disrespect me, or just completely disregard my feelings altogether. I started to feel as though I should have taken a tip from Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman, and tried at least a little to be more well-liked.

As the protective comfort of winter thawed, a culmination of unsavory scenarios unfolded. I didn’t read as often as I wanted to. I didn’t blog at all. I failed to really celebrate National Poetry Month. I felt unintelligent, unsuccessful, unwanted and certainly unfit.

And then, to make matters worse, I got even more upset realizing how self-absorbed and ungrateful I was being. My laundry list of complaints is considered trivial in comparison to the issues most individuals face on a daily basis. This very month, not too far from home, tragedy struck Boston. Several people were killed, including a child, and hundreds of others were injured, even to the point of losing limbs.Colorado

Well, for the remainder of spring, I will be less self-absorbed. I will let “comments” roll off my shoulders. I can’t allow the petty nonsense of others affect me to the point of gluttonous microwave popcorn consumption accompanied by a lack of physical and mental exercise. I won’t allow meager opinions to upset me to the point of turning my back on blogging and literature. These things all come together to make me who I am. I am a strong woman, and I will remain steadfast in my stance.

Note: Dear readers, thank you so much for allowing me to more honest and personal than I ever have been in the history of this blog. 

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